Dreams and Advice
by Zombiifissh
Summary: Wherein Hiei talks to himself as he watches Kurama sleep. Very sad, or at least I feel it is so. Mostly Hiei recalling a conversation with someone who has helped him. Now a twoshot.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is a short oneshot I wrote in half an hour at 11:00 at night. It's basically Hiei monologing to himself as if he were speaking to Kurama, if that makes any sense. Like the title says, it's a true story, if only in the story sense of the phrase. I used the YuYu characters in place of the real people. So... Feh. Kind of a tearjerker. **

I went to Botan to answer my questions. I couldn't ask you, Kurama, they were about you, Koenma didn't seem right, Yusuke would have told, and there was no WAY I was going to Kuwabara for help. So I went to Botan.

I told her about my dream of you—how it went. It happened something like this…

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_I was sitting of the floor in your room doing something or other, I can't remember, when I suddenly decided that I couldn't take the situation the way it was anymore. I looked up at you in your chair at the computer desk and called out your name._

"_Kurama..?"_

_You answered back, "Yes, Hiei?" I couldn't look you in the eyes. So I told you as I looked down at the floor. _

_I was utterly terrified of what you could say; the many ways you could break me. I balled my fists, hoping to whatever that you wouldn't. "I… I l-love you!" I said it quietly, but I guess my fear had gotten a hold of me, because as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I started to cry, knowing that you would tear me down with your words. You had done so before, when you told me you just weren't interested in men. I let the tears fall from my face, also knowing that when the rejection came, I would just go and not come back._

_I looked up at you, ashamed that I was crying, until I saw that you were crying too. I felt like a monster for making you cry, and moved to stand up when you spoke, just barely a whisper, and only audible at all over your choking because I have good ears._

"_I love you too." _

_It was like my world came crashing down, and the only things left were us. I felt like I was made of lead and water at the same time, and you dropped from your seat to sit beside me. I basically broke down then, unable to believe this was happening. You put your arms around me and we cried together, two of the most powerful demons in the Makai. _

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I never woke up feeling so sad.

The next night, I went to Botan to ask her a few questions. I told her about my dream of you, and she looked almost sad to hear it.

"What does this mean?" I asked her.

"It means you're in love with him, Hiei," she answered.

"I don't want to be in love!" I exclaimed. "It makes you need that person! I don't want to need anybody!"

"That's not necessarily true…"

"It makes you vulnerable to that person! I _do not want_ to be vulnerable!!"

"…I know," she sighed. "But that's what love _is,_ you know? It's trusting someone to not break you when you're at your most vulnerable. And that's really what everyone wants, I think. To be _able_ to trust someone that much and be completely exposed for the one other person."

"Every time anything related to love or closeness at all shows up, I feel trapped and get an urge to run away," I muttered.

She put a hand on my shoulder. "That's okay. There's nothing to be nervous about. But if it makes you uncomfortable or if you think that it's going to be bad for you, you probably shouldn't do it," she suggested. It was odd, seeing her like this. Usually, she was so ditzy and did stupid things, but tonight she was serious, talking to me about this. I guess she could tell I needed help. Feh. I hate needing help.

"Right," I said quietly. This _had_ kind of helped, a little. I guess I should have thanked her before I left, but I didn't. I think she got the message, though.

Hiei sat in the tree outside Kurama's window, his love fast asleep. He turned from the sight of the slumbering fox with unshed tears in his eyes. He refused to cry.

'_And I don't think I'll ever tell you,'_ he thought, before flitting away into the night.

-END-


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This is a fanfic reply to a fanfic reply. –laughs at the redundancy of this- If you want a link to the fic before this (which also has a link to the fic before that—hmm; I think I'm indirectly pimping another person's stuff… Ah well. She won't mind, I know her), EMAIL ME. I know my email address is on this website somewhere or other. If you can't find it, look me up as a beta reader and use that email. Thanks**

**-Kiki**

Hiei hopped from limb to limb through the trees, heading toward Kurama's house. Suddenly, he paused, a whisper of something pretending to tickle the back of his brain. He looked around for a minute before he felt a small tugging at the hem of his cloak. His eyes darted quickly down, only to find a tiny tree branch literally holding on to his coat. He frowned at it and started to ready his sword when another branch from the same tree extended a plain white envelope to him. His frown deepened and he took the letter, letting his half-drawn katana slip back into its sheath.

Curious, he slid his pinky under the envelope's flap and opened it. He took out the letter inside and opened that, too. A miniscule smile grew on his face as he recognized the handwriting, but it diminished as he began to read. Emotions blossomed one after another on Hiei's face as the letter continued; four and a half pages long. The letter was slightly faded and blurred, and very weather-worn, but it was still perfectly legible.

After twenty minutes of reading and re-reading the words he knew were for him and who they were from, Hiei started to laugh. He then thought back to the times mentioned in the note and a pensive, then a more concentrated frown. A response was already being formed inside his head, and he took the letter and headed off to the cave he was using as a home.

About a month later, Hiei ventured to Kurama's house, giving a nod to the trees and hiding the paper in the folds of his cloak, his carefully constructed response finally ready to be written. A short visit later, Hiei returned to the small cave he was staying in with one of Kurama's pens and a candle he'd thieved—unmissed, no doubt—and began to write on the backs of the original papers in semi-forced, unpracticed script, remembering how Kurama had again betrayed him.

Kurama—

I think if I had found this sooner, it would have affected me differently. I actually laughed when I read this. Either way, I have no idea when you gave this to the trees to give to me, but it's been about a year since… Well, since your "game" was really in motion. I'm… torn on how to feel about this. Half of me wants to keep laughing, and the other half wants to hate you for what you did. I can't though, don't worry about that; but I do think you should hear from me exactly what it is that you did. You don't seem to know.

You already know that I can't visit Mukuro nearly as often as I'd like. I spend a lot of my time with you and your new… what is it ningens call it? Like a mate without commitment. Anyway, I spend time with you and your new not-mate and with the detective and the oaf. You'd think you were right about me wanting to kill the detective for telling you what I didn't, but I don't. Go figure. I'm… nonchalant that he did. A bit surprised too, but not much. I guess I thought you already knew. You _were _pretty stupid about the whole thing, though, I'll give you that. Either way, the matter is that I _don't_ love you like I used to. I don't think I could ever again, either. Mukuro indirectly had a hand in that. Speaking of Mukuro, I never did find out how she felt about our… fling. She kept quiet about it, but I know damn well she knew. I guess she understood me better than either of us.

Back to the point, I remember that night very clearly. You know the night I mean. The peak of your game. You shocked me with your little stunt there; kissing me when I was almost asleep. But it was enough, wasn't it? I hate what you've done to me, though somehow I can't bring myself to hate you for it. I think I should, when you consider it from my point of view.

_You. Broke. Me._

I don't say this in the sense that I was ever dominated by you, as was your goal. No, there was something else that snapped, something that I didn't know about until recently. I had the opportunity to visit Mukuro, and I leaped through that portal like the armies of both Reikai and Makai were after me. She met me on the other side, and I stayed for ten days before my duties here forced me to return. When I came back, I answered the questions everyone had, some in great detail, but there was one thing I never told anyone, least of all you:

My trust in people had once again been broken. I could not trust Mukuro with my body. Not even Mukuro, who I will devoutly confess to loving, even with all my heart.

It's funny; I know myself, and those words look like a different language coming from me, but… The fact of the matter is this. We—Mukuro and I—had a conversation some time later in which I expressed my fear—again, another foreign word—my fear of intimate physical relationships. I hadn't thought of it then, when I was with her, but I see that I had severe hesitations when I look back.

It was only after I'd read your letter that I found a pattern in my fears and what you did. Just like many others before you, you got what you wanted and left me alone. Welcome to my world. I told her in our talk that I was afraid that she would feel like she'd gotten what she wanted from me when it was all over and then leave me. I feel like scum for thinking that about her, considering her background.

Again, sometimes I wish I _could_ hate you for causing this. Again, for some reason, I can't. I don't love you anymore, but you're somehow still my friend.

Another thing that shocked me about you: you actually cared. I had no idea until I read the letter. You sure didn't show it, what with avoiding me and all. How long was that abandonment? Weeks? Months?

These words sound hot, but it's been a while, and I'm not as mad as I seem. I'll get over it. I always do. Count on it. I am.

Again, here I laugh, but I guess it's not really funny. Must be the time elapsed. I'm mostly amused with just finding this now… maybe because I can see the foolishness of it all, and the fact that I think I'm safe with Mukuro; that she needs me just as much as I need her, would never do this. Hmm.

I'm no good at finishing things like this. …So, to end this thing, I've got a couple of words.

_I won't forget this, but it's all over now._

-Hiei

Hiei put the letter back into its original envelope and resealed it, molding the wax from the lit candle, only necessary for the wax, into a flame-shape on the paper. He snuffed it with his fingers and stepped outside into the forest.

He retraced the path he had taken over a month ago to Kurama's house and opened his jagan to better communicate with the plants there, pausing in the same tree that the letter had been delivered in.

As his consciousness touched the trees, Hiei immediately struggled to get his message across. He had nowhere near the finesse Kurama had when dealing with the flora-life, but he got his intentions through. The tree that had once given Hiei the note now took it from him and gave him an impression of assurance. Hiei nodded to it again and went back to his cave. It was December, but he was not cold. He only hoped his thoughts would make it back to the fox.

Once again, he thought.

'_It's okay.'_

-END


End file.
